A deep darkness fell across Lance. It came about because he was concerned how the ex-partner Rachel's new distraction would impact on the everyday life of their shared son Jason. Jason was, in his opinion, the only good thing to have come from his several years of being manacled to that volatile, self absorbed, angry, gorgeous spring bloom that Rachel had turned out to be. He had seen this new situation before, and so has everybody – new romantic yearnings in conflict with parental responsibilities. He wasn't really sure how he ended up with such strong convictions about this issue, or whether his decisions about Jason's welfare where always correct. But he tried. It might have been the role model offered by his morally flexible father. The lasting chaos that he had witnessed being inflicted onto his own family by his selfishness, and then of course the consequent damage caused to the kids and partners of many other families, seems to have showed him the kind of person/father he didn’t want to be.
As the gloom encircled his mind he nodded and tried to appear interested, but he really stopped hearing her swooning, fluffy, starry-eyed descriptions of the new boyfriend. His thinking went off in a different and confronting direction. About three weeks before this chat with her he had been working on someone’s house when he was forced to face an unpleasant and complex reality. It was a big house, and it needed to be, because it was peopled with a blended step family. She had three and so did he. The age range was from about 5 – 13. The genders were even. And the new mixed family dynamic was only a few weeks old. On the particular day as he worked there he witnessed, what he was later assured, was a fairly typical after-school homework-time mix of anarchy, emotion, hostility, and the complete absence of calmness and reasonableness. Anyone who has experienced the step family dynamic will understand exactly what is implied by this description.
Step mum probably tried the hardest of anyone to maintain order in the face of the resentment, ill-will, and defiance. She sort-of kept her calm with resolve and as a consequence was largely unsuccessful, and at times completely ignored. Step dad’s lower threshold was broken several times and with increasing volume, and when he finally lost it he declared to five year old step son, ‘don’t start with me …….. you will not win!’ Precisely what a five year old was to make of the abstract concepts of ‘starting’ and ‘winning’ was not obvious or explained. Start what? Win what? Anyway it made no difference to the levels of rancour, and one wondered how any poor child was supposed to learn anything while an emotional world war three was happening around them. But more importantly it took him back to a time and place that he had tried to erase from his consciousness. He too had spent a few years as a child in a step family, and his recollections were that everyone had failed probably more that what he was currently witnessing. He also remembered getting virtually no support from his dad, or the new step mum, and feeling so impotent and completely confused about just what to do. He remembers having no one to turn to for advice or help, but here and now it all seemed so clear.
In recent times there had been a news report about a young English girl who at fifteen had run away from home and gone to Syria to become an ISIS bride. She was now eighteen. ISIS had been crushed in Syria. And she was living in a refugee camp as a widowed single mum with a small infant. She had dual citizenship. But the British authorities were preventing her from from returning there. Her choices had recently been so poor that if she was now suffering some uncomfortable consequences, then so be it. That ISIS are not nice people is abundantly clear to everybody except themselves. If the father of her child was now dead and she was isolated, then equally so be it. The death of ISIS fighters is no bad thing. But the fate of her baby is a completely different issue. He or she had made no contribution to the sequence of events that has lead to where they both are now stuck. Furthermore as he listened he discovered that this infant was her third, and the previous two had died in the chaos of the civil war from malnutrition. Now that’s a way more complex situation. That is a total tragedy. Those babies didn’t deserve to suffer from the consequences of their mother’s poor decisions.
humans seem to almost universally want to partner up and have children. This of course is perfectly normal, and in the Darwinian model is also a major contribution to the world wide success of the species. In more modern times, and in increasing numbers, this partnering up fails. In the wash up of these failures there often follows a re-partnering up by many of the participants. For a lot of these souls this new love arising from the ashes of what would have been an unpleasant uncoupling is a joyous experience. This new motivation can heal and restore a belief in the truth of mutual love. The only problem with it is that it rarely happens in a vacuum. There are nearly always other lives that get directly impacted by new relationships, and they are the children. Just about everybody will tell you step families are often unsuccessful. They are riddled with jealousies and infighting. While the new grown up love participants are keen and motivated, nobody else is. The children are forced to co-habit with strangers who they have absolutely no emotional attachment to. And why would they? They just wanted a stable and occasionally happy home. They didn’t want their parents to split up in the first place. And they don’t want invading aliens sucking the life out of what little relationship they still manage to have with their much loved parents. Their survival imperative is a tight family unit where unconditionality is the natural order. Where love, support and forgiveness is a given, and self esteem building is a natural bedfellow. Anyone will tell you that is not a step family.
Now back to the ISIS bride. She was a stupid girl. If she is now suffering quite frankly she deserves it. She might have been young when she ran away, and that naivety may offer some mitigation, but she wouldn’t have caught a plane or train with her family waving goodbye and wishing her well. To get to where she wanted to be she would have had to lie, cheat and deceive. On the other hand her innocent babies played no part in her stupid decisions, but somehow they are the ones who have paid the highest price. Now dealing with the life and death outcomes and choices of ISIS fighters in Syria is a way more serious issue than making children try to survive the rigours of a step family, but in Lance's mind there are some very similar principles at play. Decisions are usually made about what is best for mum and dad’s relationship, and their unfortunate offspring have to adapt whether they want to or not. In many cases it's like their feelings just don't matter. Most of them survive but in the process their little developing hearts are forced daily to confront relational dynamics that they are nowhere equipped to do. Just what the long term implications are, who knows?
As he stood there eaves-dropping while he adjusted the new laundry cupboard doors tears rather embarrassingly welled up. Wave after wave of innocence charged each other in the psychological no man’s land that was homework time. How much pain and unhappiness is caused by forcing children to adjust to the selfish pursuits of their parent's new relationships? The children have no say. Parental choices rule the day. Are there other choices he could have made? He was simultaneously remembering his own failures as a child in a step family, and then how for a brief time he was a confused parent in one. And more particularly he was now appreciating just how hard one of his good work mates was trying to make his boy his priority. He admired the extent of the sacrifices he was willingly making.
You see his good mate Bob was an odd phenomenon. If you listened to all the swearing, and looked at the tattoos as you choked on the passive smoking you might not necessarily see just what Lance did. He had watched him very closely and carefully for quite a while now. Bob was a long term single dad. He had a relationship with someone new, but right from the start she was under no illusion that Bob's decisions would always be centred on his son’s welfare. That is, his boy's needs would always come first. If she was unhappy with it that’s fine, because he was not going to change. They didn’t live together, and when they did hook up it was almost always on his work weeks when the boy's mother had custody, and he was unencumbered for a short time. As a result of Bob's role model Lance asked himself, why couldn’t he do something similar? Why couldn’t he say to himself, ‘Look I have failed in my marriage, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll have my son for probably another 10 or so years, that’s massive for him but it’s not a lot for me. Together my ex and I can grind out some kind of working agreement and keep that as our focus. I’ll worry about my life when his is established. We’ve all got plenty of time. There’s no rush. One day there might be room for a new relationship, but for now priorities are priorities.' ’ So this is what Lance thought he might try to do.
Standing there listening to Rachel's love-struck waffle he recalled being in that laundry trying to hide his tears. He had to admit to himself that at that moment his memories made him feel he had been a bit like the ISIS bride, or his own father. In his post Rachel loneliness he had for a time overlooked Jason's needs and chased after a new relationship. Without thinking it through he was going to pursue his desires, and Jason will just have to learn to adjust. This is what he did, and this was the life he temporarily mapped out. The actions and motivations of Bob are very much the exception. The irony for Lance came later however. This new relationship he was so keen to pursue turned out to be a disaster, and he has spent a few years paying for his choices. Anyway life has gone on for everyone involved. Jason has grown a bit and completely forgiven him, and he never mentions it. God has also forgiven him, and never mentions it. He just needs to forgive himself. He’s working on it. His friendship with Bob, while constantly reminding him of his timely error, is now actually helping him, because he is probably one of the very few people who totally understands the sheer righteousness of this constantly swearing, tattooed, chain smoking, and very rough-round-the-edges workmate.
After a few years the young Jason is clearly benefiting from knowing that in one person's mind he is loved and valued above and beyond all else. At 14 he demonstrates a bearing and demeanour of somebody who knows who they are, and are happy and at peace with that. It also goes to show that we never know where the good witness of one indidvidual can finish up. We need to stop judging the small stuff and cut each other some slack, some tolerance, and some support, because even with our best efforts we never fully understand what it’s like walking that‘mile in another’s shoes.’
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